I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
