I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
