im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
