Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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