my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
All I want is dick and wine.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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