I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
