How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
