last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
