wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
It's just like the Real World with babies
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
