Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
im six kinds of drunk right now
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
