After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
