Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
