My friends, they love my intelligence
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
