well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
