I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
