I puked a lego.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
