As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
