so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
