I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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