I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
