I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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