I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
