I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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