It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
