Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We are two peas in an std pod
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
