Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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