I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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