So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
