Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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