I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
