I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
