He asked to "fluff my boner.."
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
