Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
