I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
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