He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
