im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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