So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
birth control should be required to get into college
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
