dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Randomize