Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
