I hate all girls vehemently.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
