Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
