you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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