just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
