I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i was born a porn star she said
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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