The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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