Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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