my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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