I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
