im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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