I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
