At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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