if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize
