My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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