Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
