Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
So vagazzling was a success
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
