quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize