are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
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