Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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