Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
