filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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