i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
