If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
