I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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