When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
