I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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